Category Archives: Uncategorized

my new home the South

I’m a Jew living in the South, now

where people don’t really know anything about Jews

besides the Holocaust

and at least one person quotes bible scripture at the bottom of her emails

I quite like this lady of the emailed bible quotes

she rarely lets me pass her desk without saying “hiya darling.”

i do now know the feeling of what it’s like to be

isolated in the area one lives

I had the urge to go to Temple for the first time ever the other day

I so badly need to see a Jewish nose or two like mine

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Not a poem just advice

should you ever find yourself in a Starbucks desperately needing the loo and they have one of those punch-coded locks, chances are the code is “1-2-3-4-5.” That or “5-4-3-2-1.”

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A Long Ago Scent

I recently

bought a new soap

for the shower

that I used for years in my late teens

and into my early twenties

So, of course,

immediately it called to mind

when I was young and unhappy

But not so complacent

When my dreams were dense

I was barely able to carry them around

like the free weights that come at the end of the shelf.

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seeking craigslist muse

I put an ad on craigslist
for a part-time muse
just to see the responses

One man wrote me
Hi, saw your ad for the muse
I have done this sort of thing before
I’m no quack.
You’ll get a good short story, maybe a novella, out of me.

I wrote back
How does it work?

He said we have coffee, and you tell me what you want to write but aren’t writing.
And we just chat like that for an hour so. I find it can sometimes be helpful to hash out ideas during significant activity. So the next time we meet, we might play tennis or something in the park.

He said he’d inspired a novel by this person who had won an award

I said did the book you inspired win the award?

He said, no.

I said, oh, how’d you get into this, anyway?

When I was growing up in Queens, my mother used to write poetry, and she’d ask me for ideas about what she wrote. I’m also an editor for a small press.

I said oh cool, maybe you can publish what I write

He said, let’s wait and see if it’s any good

I said, that’s kinda on you, no?

We agreed to meet.

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My New Story at Hobo Pancakes!

I’ve got a funny (I hope) bit of fiction in the new issue of Hobo Pancakes. First line of the piece says it all: “It is the rare individual who can say they discovered a new body part on their person.”

I read and enjoy Hobo Pancakes, so it’s really neat to see my byline on their site! 

Check it out here. 

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School, The Place

Signals to Attend

Amanda-Fire-Alarms-768x1024As I’m on sabbatical this year, I’ll be missing the opening day of school for the first time since 1962 when I was three and not yet old enough.

Because I’ve been through 32 school starts as a teacher, I know what will happen. Students will lope down auditorium steps, dressed in new clothes to fit their continually new bodies. They will talk excitedly without being obvious… or at least only to the point of being properly obvious. Some will look left and right for the safety of faces that will beam back recognition, then wave.

Teachers, they’ll largely ignore. Teachers will line up somewhere seen, maybe along the sides, or will shepherd students as they’ve been instructed and pretend to be unbothered by another year of conspicuous invisibility.

The hubbub will resist a few attempts at quiet, but the initial syllable of the initial solitary voice will assert that…

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A Fifty Word Horror Story by Lori Schafer

Back Hair Advocate

The zombies crashed into the house.

“Brains!” they moaned.

The family was gathered around the television, watching. None of them moved.

The zombies scratched their heads. The parents were staring at the screen. The children’s mouths hung open.

“No brains!” the zombies moaned.

And moved on to the next house.

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Lori Schafer’s flash fiction, short stories, and essays have appeared in numerous print and online publications. Her first two novels, My Life with Michael: A Story of Sex and Beer for the Middle-Aged and Just the Three of Us: An Erotic Romantic Comedy for the Commitment-Challenged, will be released in 2015. You can find out more about Lori and her forthcoming projects by visiting her website at http://lorilschafer.com/.

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Car Park by Shawn Van Tol

new story at BHA about the adventures of a self-driving car

Back Hair Advocate

The car rolled up to the curb and stopped. Bob quickly hopped out and walked around the back side of the car to Catherine’s door. She smiled to herself, touched by the small act of chivalry, blissfully unaware that Bob was using those precious seconds to release gas pressure that had been building to dangerous levels over the last four minutes of the drive. He allowed the breeze to carry his flatulence away and then opened the door with a cool smile. She took his hand, extending lovely legs onto the sidewalk, and exited the car. Bob closed the door and pulled out his phone.

“Now watch,” he said, tapping at the screen. “The app tells the car where to park and how long to wait based on the time of the movie.”

Catherine snuggled in close to his body and peered at the screen. “That’s so cool!” she said.

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8/8/14: Time Lost

haiku streak

I learned

a clock’s arms can

wander

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The Water Bottle

A Word Of Substance

water bottlePhotograph by Tom Haynes  https://tnhaynes.wordpress.com/author/tnhaynes/ 

Name: Water Bottle

Age: Timeless

Sex: Female

Location: Your apartment

Strengths: I’m adaptable and can conform to any situation. Whatever holds me, keeps me.

Weaknesses: I move around a lot. A bit of a lush. I don’t like a lot of excitement.

Three things I couldn’t live without:

  1. Plastic
  2. Purity
  3. Transparency
  4. A thirst for knowledge

What I’m looking for: Someone that melts my rough edges. A drifter. A free flowing poet. Someone who won’t drain me when I’m already down.

Turn Offs:

  • Dry sense of humor
  • People that can’t go with the flow
  • Impure thoughts

Perfect date:

I like long hikes in the woods and sunny afternoons outside.

Favorite Movies:

Drowning Mona, The Great Flood, Water for Chocolate, Rain man.

Favorite Books:

The Perfect Storm.

Favorite Quote: “I’m not looking to be your flavor of the month.”

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